He asked to "fluff my boner.."
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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