I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
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Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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