his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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