i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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