how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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