He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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