There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
