i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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