apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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