i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
