What did we do last night that was yellow?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
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Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
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Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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