That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Randomize
