If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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