So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
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So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
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anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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