Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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