Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
