he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
