Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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