Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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