How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
