my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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