I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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