So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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