I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
