when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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