I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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