what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
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security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
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It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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