Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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