He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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