im having a threesome with these popsicles
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
