I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
