considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
