i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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