Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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