I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
