Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
