well I can't set my house on fire every night
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
