Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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