My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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