i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
