do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
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Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I'm really busy with my period
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