I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
