On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
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And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
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Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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