Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
