I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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