I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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