She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
