did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
