Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
