they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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