I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
