also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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