I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
