I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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