so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
